(This is the final installment in this series about awakening to one's true self. You can read all previous entries in the archives.)
Realizing that Good Church Lady and I need each other, I’ve invited her into the front seat with me so that we may mirror each other with compassion as we continue on this integrative journey.
I’ve gone from RESTLESS RESIGNATION to OPPOSITIONAL RESISTANCE on this Buddha Chick Life journey. With RESOLUTE BABY STEPS I dared to enter in to CAUTIOUS INTEGRATION. Working through the challenging season of CONTEMPTUOUS COMPANIONING almost did me in but brought me to the realization that Undercover Buddha Chick and Good Church Lady could indeed live in a state of COMPASSIONATE COMPANIONING. Each of these steppingstones has brought UNCOVERED BUDDHA CHICK out of the shadows.
As Undercover Buddha Chick I was able to share my deepest longings - to live more and more out of my true self; to live simply and without fear – well - at least, to be courageous in the face of fear and to live with an open heart. To be more mindful - as one who has eyes to see and ears to hear what’s really going on within herself -as one who dares to lay down pre-conceived notions, prejudices and judgments.
Continuing now as Uncovered Buddha Chick, longings for authentic community and engaging without manipulation or pretense are being realized. Daring to come out of the shadows I’m finding that it is possible to live clear, calm and wise. My experience here has brought clarity to my sense of identity helping me become a better human being.
Reviewing the journey thus far, I dare say that the key element was taking that vow of transparency – daring to look honestly at myself –in a spirit of curiosity and wonder, with deep joy and gratitude. In so doing, there is a growing reality that the brilliant and beautiful version of my authentic self - long waiting to shine -is being grasped. I discover that being transparent means that I no longer have to hide from anything – most especially from myself.
As I practice being transparent with a warm and loving heart, cultivating self compassion is another foundational concept. Metta helps me here. Imagining myself encircled by dear, tender hearted women, I hear them speaking Metta blessings over me. Wondering who am I to refuse, their graces are received. How can I deny this for myself?
Thomas Merton offers some sage words for my consideration – a touch stone to keep me pointed to true North:
What is meant by identity? ...For practical purposes here we are talking about one's own authentic and personal beliefs and convictions, based on experience of oneself as a person, experience of one's ability to choose and reject even good things which are not relevant to one's own life.
Merton, Thomas. Contemplation in a World of Action. (Notre Dame, Indiana: Notre Dame Press, 1998) p. 61
Thought for the Day
Identity in this deep sense is something that one must create for oneself by choices that are significant and that require a courageous commitment in the face of anguish and risk.
Contemplation in a World of Action: 61
Contemplative Pause: Throughout this week, pause, take a breath, and listen with your heart. How do you identity yourself?
I come back to these words time and time again finding they fortify my true self.
My experiences here have helped cement the concept of choices – I have the ability to choose.
A particular pair of Mantras coupled with dropping into a breath practice help me stay grounded in the reality of living as a clear, calm and wise Buddha Chick.
Inner peace is mine, one choice at a time.
Inner peace is mine, one thought at a time
Stepping into this New Year, I’m welcoming the sacred – continuing with these spiritual practices. Yet, there’s a tension in the realization as this season of exploration draws to a close. The tension comes from knowing how far I’ve come, yet knowing how far I’ve yet to travel on this healing path. Knowing that there may well be times of regression and/ or spinning wheels, I’m not wanting this phase of the journey to end. It’s been an amazing adventure and I’ve felt encouraged and bolstered every step of the way by the caring, affirming community known as Buddha Chick Life.
I’m so very grateful for a recent reinforcement from "Beads of Wisdom” - a daily reminder for living compassionately with ourselves and others, sent in the spirit of Metta by Janice Lynne Lundy:
In our journey home to our true self, we will inevitably have many ups and downs, good days and bad. Keep in mind that this process of becoming self-aware, of finding what we need to thrive and live joyously, can be a long one. Such profound change does not happen overnight. The voyage of self-discovery we are all on--a journey to wholeness--is a lifelong process. It may take a lifetime to learn our needed lessons.
Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. Remember, you are not alone. We are all on this journey together.
Processing here has gently raised my awareness and noticings of overwhelm, anxiety, and the fear that gripped me just one year ago. I can say that responding with intention to the initial invitation has freed me from these difficult emotions that were part of my identity.
Buddha Chick Training has allowed me to see that these conditions do not define me.
Dear Chicks, with you as my witnesses - as I am learning to live in greater freedom in those areas of my life where I was feeling restricted and small, now living out of my passion and pursuit for wholeness, I invite YOU to take some gentle steps and press into your own healing journey.
Undercover Buddha Chick (now Uncovered Buddha Chick) is a woman who longs to live more and more out of her true self – to live authentically. To live simply. To live without fear – or, at least, to be courageous in the face of fear. To live with an open heart. To be more mindful - as one who has eyes to see and ears to hear what’s really going on within herself. One who dares to lay down pre-conceived notions, prejudices and judgments.
She’s someone who longs for authentic community – who longs to engage in conversation without manipulation or pretense. She longs to come out of the shadows and live clear, calm and wise. In short, she wants to be a better human being.
I say Metta for her. Can she receive it? Skeptical, I wonder, what am I to do with Good Church Lady? It is more than apparent that she is not going to go away. I can’t go on like this! At the very least it’s time to call a truce. Viewing her dispassionately from the driver’s seat, I’m overcome with compassion. Coming out with a white flag of surrender, I find that Buddha Chick’s "Beads of Wisdom" reinforce this new feeling.
(http://buddhachick.org/page/beads-of-wisdom)
There is no way to annihilate the ego, nor should we strive to. There is only one way to loosen its grip upon us, by tapping into the most powerful "virtue" of all—compassion. We can cultivate compassion for the ego because it is so insecure, rooted in fear; compassion for others because they are struggling with their egos just as we are; compassion for our self because in our humanity, we will fall prey to the ego again and again. It is inevitable that this will happen. The ego holds the blueprint for what it means to be a human being. We cannot exist in a body without it.
Mindfulness/awareness helps me notice when ego—in the form of Good Church Lady —is raising her red flags of fear and insecurity. Compassion for her helps me to let go of any self-negating feelings I may have about getting "caught" or tripped up again and again. Compassion invites me to love myself just as I am—to love Good Church Lady—then to aim higher so I can make the wisest of choices.
Compassion invites choices. Every step – oh, I hope they’re gentle steps - along this Buddha Chick Life path reminds me again and again that I have choices. Mindfulness helps me discern which direction to turn to as I continue the journey.
Sorting and sifting through these choices is a lot like weeding and planting seeds. Here is where I can tend the garden of my mind by taking a look at the weed thoughts that choke out the fruitful seed thoughts of Inner peace. A list of the choking weed thoughts that are evoked by Good Church Lady’s charges reveal:
Fear
Shame
Negativity
Control
Competitiveness
Impatience
Glancing at her in the rear view mirror, I wonder why I react and feel the way I do towards her. Compassion invites some fair questions - What fears are waiting to be uncovered and exposed? What old wounds are holding me back? If I were to weed out the above list, what seeds might I plant in their stead?
Courage
Honor
Positivity
Relinquishment
Harmony
Patience
If I am to link Good Church Lady’s learnings and experiences with my own, I need a better understanding and application of integration.
Here is my ahha moment - during a session of Holy Yoga (which is a Hatha Yoga practice), I have an epiphany! Hatha is the path of forceful yoga; a dynamic integration of opposing forces which involves a softening/disengagement + an engaging energy. Imagine my DELIGHT when a particular pose—Happy Baby—proves to me that it is indeed possible to integrate Good Church Lady with my Inner Buddha Chick!
Using this awareness as a stepping stone on this integrative journey, I ponder and trace the roots of Good Church Lady’s formation. I realize that Good Church Lady is both a reminder and a reaction to old wounds—inflicted, for the most part by other Christians—leaders in the church who had betrayed what and who was entrusted them and found to be liars and hypocrites. These persons, more than those who were upright and good in the church have impacted me by demonstrating how NOT to live.
Again, I say Metta for Good Church Lady:
May she be safe.
May she be strong.
May she be happy.
May she live with ease.
Good Church Lady receives this. Our eyes meet in the rearview mirror & she leans forward, gently whispering in my ear: Might you be able to say Metta for those Christians who have so deeply hurt you?
Gulp – do you really suggest that I bless those who have inflicted so many wounds?
OK – I’ll give it a try…
May he be safe.
May she be strong. May he be happy.
May they live with ease.
I’m going to have to really practice this one, but, hey! Here’s a new formula for your consideration: Metta + mindfulness = magnanimity
I’m pleasantly surprised, humbled and grateful at this turn of events. It is as though boulders of bitterness and resentment have rolled off my shoulders. Simple mindfulness practices are bringing me to a place of being more fully present to the hidden places of my heart. The more I practice mindfulness the easier it is to suspend judgment or let go of critical thoughts—towards Good Church Lady and, to my amazement, towards those who have hurt me so profoundly in the past. I sincerely hope that from here on out, Good Church Lady and I can be patient, compassionate companions for this Buddha Chick journey. We need each other.
Undercover Buddha Chick is a woman who longs to live more and more out of her true self – to live authentically. To live simply. To live without fear – or, at least, to be courageous in the face of fear. To live with an open heart. To be more mindful - as one who has eyes to see and ears to hear what’s really going on within herself. One who dares to lay down pre-conceived notions, prejudices and judgments.
She’s someone who longs for authentic community – who longs to engage in conversation without manipulation or pretense. She longs to come out of the shadows and live clear, calm and wise. In short, she wants to be a better human being.
Under Cover Buddha Chick: "Contemptuous Companioning"
by Under Cover Buddha Chick
Good Church Lady wakes up with a start! Peering over Inner Buddha Chick’s shoulder from the back seat, she barks, “Where’s that book that you studied back in the ‘80s - Unmasking the New Age? I think it’s time you take another look at that!”
Gently, I remind Good Church Lady that I am learning a new way and ask her if perhaps there really isn’t anything new under the sun as the wisdom writer suggests in the book of Ecclesiastes.
Driving along, I consider how I lived back then - Reacting out of fear and ignorance, and programmed resistance, it was a time of keen suspicion and outright fear of all things “New Age,”
May God have mercy.
Now, I wonder what I may have missed. Well, here is a second chance. A time to consider the likes of Rumi - another wisdom writer -who said,
Listen. Make a way for yourself. Stop looking in the other way of looking.
From here on, I am looking in a new direction – away from fear and towards peace and calm. To help me learn this new way, I’ve adopted a practice that involves choices – letting go of old habits – developing new habits – all the while reminding myself over and over again, that I can reinforce the cultivation of authentic living – tempered with healthy self awareness, self-compassion and loving kindness by repeating as a mantra, Inner peace is mine, one choice at a time.
A variation of that chant is Inner peace is mine, one thought at a time.
These phrases reinforce new learnings and help me remember that it really is as simple as changing the radio station when weed thoughts begin to choke out my peace.
Good Church Lady doesn’t want to hear any of this – in fact, she panics at the mention of the word MANTRA.
I take a deep breath. Good Church Lady’s hyper vigilance is wearing thin. I’m finding her presence to be a bit of a drag. She hangs like an albatross around my neck. I find myself feeling ashamed – at a loss for wasted years. Glancing in the rearview mirror, I see her smirking and smug in her certaintudes and strict conformities. Her scorn drifts overhead like a thick fog that threatens to smother. I sigh. In a way, it was so easy to live behind the mask that she wears. Narrow as her dogma is, I knew what I believed and why. Now it seems that I live with more questions than answers. Besides, I clearly see that that mask covers my true self. Yet, Good Church Lady and I have shared a lot of experiences and she is part of my identity. Reviewing what Thomas Merton has to say about identity, I recognize that my personal beliefs and convictions are being challenged.
What is meant by identity? For practical purposes here we are talking about one's own authentic and personal beliefs and convictions, based on experience of oneself as a person, experience of one's ability to choose and reject even good things which are not relevant to one's own life.
(Some helpful thoughts from Contemplation in a World of Action by Thomas Merton. Notre Dame, Indiana: Notre Dame Press, 1998 pg. 61.)
I have to admit that I am in a place of theological upheaval Oh; it terrifies me to admit that some things no longer work for me. I’ve come to a place where there is more that I’ll have to let go of. One of those is my cramped God concept. Even so, I don’t think that that is the main issue here. The question is what do I do with Good Church Lady? I don’t like her gawking over my shoulder with contempt and criticism while I explore all these new learnings.
Taking another deep breath, I refocus. Clearly, it has become more than apparent that Good Church Lady is Ego. I realize that by letting her dominate she appears like an alien life form on a mission of Ego Abduction. Self awareness gives me cues – here is where choices come in. In this case, I recognize that she tries to keep me disconnected from my True Self – my authentic self – my spirit self. The temptation is to reason with her – try to explain how all these new learnings will …..Yet, intuitively, I sense that this will drain my energy and take away from my focus. I want to learn how to be compassionate with Good Church Lady. Might I even be able to befriend her? There are times lately where I find her despicable. Sometimes I feel myself wavering under her scrutiny – I want her to just go away. She is a hard task master. Yet, she is a part of who I am and I am getting the sense that I have a great deal to learn from her. How then, can I disengage – viewing her more dispassionately as one who has shared in so many experiences without allowing her to define who I am. This feels like I’m right back at the beginning - It feels like some kind of crazy line dance. Not really getting anywhere, it feels a bit schizophrenic. I suppose that a more compassionate way of looking at this is to say that this is a sacred dance –two steps forward, one step back. All’s I know is that I need some help. How can I befriend her? How can I meld the old with the new? Meld - The word suggests a softening – an actual melting – a letting go - and a steely strength of deep listening and feeling as I simply let my little light of authentic life shine. This is integration.
Undercover Buddha Chick is a woman who longs to live more and more out of her true self – to live authentically. To live simply. To live without fear – or, at least, to be courageous in the face of fear. To live with an open heart. To be more mindful - as one who has eyes to see and ears to hear what’s really going on within herself. One who dares to lay down pre-conceived notions, prejudices and judgments.
She’s someone who longs for authentic community – who longs to engage in conversation without manipulation or pretense. She longs to come out of the shadows and live clear, calm and wise. In short, she wants to be a better human being.
As Good Church Lady and Inner Buddha Chick set out on this integrative journey she begins to practice Metta with loving-kindness, mindfulness and self-compassion. Self-soothing practices such as yoga, centering prayer, meditation, journaling, and being out in nature are taken on with gratitude. Good Church Lady takes a back seat while Inner Buddha Chick takes some risks.
Are they risks or merely choices? Well, choices can be pretty risky. It seems that as Good Church Lady, she never really had a choice. So much of her life was a kind of death march – picture lemmings falling over the cliff ... She felt as though she were just another cookie cutter Christian – never allowed or never daring to express her individuality. Not wanting to throw caution to the wind, she seeks out Thomas Merton as a companion for the journey. Here was a man who dared to live out of his authentic self. Subscribing to The Merton Institute for Contemplative Living - http://mertoninstitute.org/aboutus/tabid/60/Default.aspx
I find he has some good words to share in regard to identity. I hope to apply this to my true self.
What is meant by identity? For practical purposes here we are talking about one's own authentic and personal beliefs and convictions, based on experience of oneself as a person, experience of one's ability to choose and reject even good things which are not relevant to one's own life.
(Some helpful thoughts from Contemplation in a World of Action by Thomas Merton. Notre Dame, Indiana: Notre Dame Press, 1998 pg. 61.)
Thought for the Day Identity in this deep sense is something that one must create for oneself by choices that are significant and that require a courageous commitment in the face of anguish and risk.
Contemplative Pause: Throughout this week, pause, take a breath, and listen with your heart. How do you identity yourself?
How do I identify myself? For so long I was Good Church Lady. Now as a Buddha Chick scientist, I find that there’s more to me than I ever realized – I’m able to make choices – choices for change - will I choose to live out of love or stay rooted in fear? To make this work, I’m learning that I must lay a foundation of inner calm and unshakeable peace by taking a look at the flip side of this coin to see where I am operating from my ego self.
Buddha Chick training suggests that the only way to deal with ego is to develop a new relationship with it – acknowledge its presence and then turn away from its messages.
I learn that this is as simple as changing the radio station if I don’t like the song that is playing. With all this talk about EGO, Good Church Lady stirs in the back seat. She’s getting uncomfortable - she is suspicious of anything "Freudian" and not familiar with this kind of language.
Inner Buddha Chick assures her that we’re open to new understandings - daring to risk old understandings. She longs to live out of this prescription for inner peace:
Calm =Clarity=Wisdom.
The lesson instructs that “as calm increases and clarity comes, our inner wisdom begins to rise to the surface. This inner wisdom is sourced in our true nature (our essence) and it expands. We can trust it; base our life upon it. It is our guiding light, but it is dangerously dim when we cannot access calm.”
Continuing with those observations and notations of all the things, people, settings and circumstances that create a feeling of peace within me, Good Church Lady leans forward and whispers in my ear, “It seems as though you are getting more and more preoccupied with your self.”
Inner Buddha Chick responds, “Go to sleep back there. This is the dawning of a new day - it’s a new age ;-)
Pondering Merton’s quote above, a question arises about an area of my life that seems to have an anguishing strangle hold on me. Might this foundation of peace allow me to face FEAR?
A formula of my own arises: Choices +creativity + courageous commitment= Character
I’ve been told I’m a woman of great courage and so I dare to take a look at a part of my history immersed in FEAR. Good Church Lady, restless again, gives me a nudge and I find myself rushing head long into the dark shadows where more fear resides. Hmmm ... here’s a clue that Good Church Lady feeds EGO. Given this consideration, I’m invited to be gentle with myself; reminded that this is big holy stuff!
Taking some deep breaths, compassionate questions emerge and I realize that I’ve been expecting a lot of myself—wanting a quick fix.
How tender am I feeling toward myself? Hmmmm ... this raises a big lump in my throat.
Sitting here, right now, I feel very tender towards myself. I'm looking at myself with gentle compassion, giving myself a pat on the back, knowing that this training is a place where I'll be nurtured with tenderness and kindness. Thus, I can learn all the more how to implement some really good self care. Good Church Lady dozes off…
An awareness surfaces. When things get out of whack due to fear, it seems that I either go numb or I feel TOO deeply.
I'm seeing that awareness is good. Here is a tool where I am learning to take notice without judgment, then, I can simply make a choice: Will I waste energy feeding EGO or will I switch channels to Presence/Spirit?
Oh, may God help me! Is it really that simple?
In a mentoring session with Jan, she reinforces these new learnings: “Yes, believe it or not, it can be that simple. It is all about heightening our awareness to see ourselves clearly for how we are reacting and making a new (wiser) choice. Feel where ego takes you and discern to make a choice to lean into Spirit. Of course, we do this again and again. We practice until it does get easier. And it does! “
And so, with Good Church Lady asleep in the back seat, I find myself cautiously continuing along into the uncharted territory of integration.
Undercover Buddha Chick is a woman who longs to live more and more out of her true self – to live authentically. To live simply. To live without fear – or, at least, to be courageous in the face of fear. To live with an open heart. To be more mindful - as one who has eyes to see and ears to hear what’s really going on within herself. One who dares to lay down pre-conceived notions, prejudices and judgments.
She’s someone who longs for authentic community – who longs to engage in conversation without manipulation or pretense. She longs to come out of the shadows and live clear, calm and wise. In short, she wants to be a better human being.
Taking a deep breath, Good Church Lady commits to Buddha Chick Training. She’s intrigued by the invitation and more than hopeful that she’ll find the courage to grieve her losses and let go. While she was resistant to taking that vow of transparency, she’s taken another look at it and likes what it means: “This means that we are passionate about our healing journey enough to look honestly at ourselves. We do so in a spirit of curiosity and wonder, with deep joy and gratitude, because we are finally going to experience a brilliant and beautiful version of ourselves, one that’s been waiting to shine through for a very long time. Being transparent means we no longer hide from anything – most especially from ourselves.”
OK – I’m ready to begin. I’m ready to experience this brilliant and beautiful version of my authentic self. Not a reinvention of the self that I would like to be. As I begin, I do so with intentionality. If I’m going to put my money where my mouth is, I might as well be purposeful and determined with this project. At this point in the game, I have no idea what the outcome will be, but I can show up with purpose and see where this will take me. My intention then, is to simply begin – trying not to take myself too seriously and to nurture my inner child.
Taking pen in hand, (dare I use an ink pen? Ink seems so PERMANENT!) I begin to do what I was resistant to last week – become a scientist of myself. This feels like a huge risk to observe and take notes on what’s happening. Putting pen to the page seems like a real commitment to this challenge. And so, opening up my brand new Moleskin is a daunting prospect. While journaling soothes my spirit, it also stirs and muddies the waters of my mind. I know there’s some good stuff here, but I'm feeling a bit off balance—taken by surprise on some things here. Here—being mostly in my heart *sigh*
As I write, I want to stay fully present and really experience this exercise. Yet, checking through a quick list of bullet point notations, I sense numbness and restraint as I wrestle with disappointment, fear, angst, shock and pain. Confusion and conflict invite minimization as I look at the steps of my healing journey thus far. Bottom line, I’m feeling like a fraud. There’s the sense that I’m on a slippery slope—not a slicked up (with waxed paper rubbing) slide, but a steep descent on a pebbly path—no secure footholds—nothing to grasp at along the side. Out of control, I wonder where is this spirit of curiosity and wonder, deep joy and gratitude that I was invited into?
After a good cry and some deep breathing, I’m ready—well, at least I think I’m ready—YES! You’re ready to take the next step forward with this Buddha Chick thing.
JUST DO IT!
Taking yet another deep breath, I will now, as a Buddha Chick scientist, make a list
· of all the things, people and situations that bring me a sense of peace
· of self-soothing practices that I use which will lay a foundation of peace (or, so it’s said.)
· and notate with transparency, (oh, this feels like a huge risk!)
· asking myself how often I engage in these practices or situations that bring peace of body/mind/heart
· Do I do them regularly?
· Did I used to do them more often than now?
· with transparency (there’s that word again—dare I be honest with myself?), reflect on what excuses I use for NOT engaging in them.
Next, I’m instructed to “select one of your favorite self-soothing practices to focus on this week and do it more often. Notate how this makes you feel.” Then, there’s the flip side—“Continue to observe and notate the situations that disturb you and compromise your inner peace. Use your breath to navigate through challenging times. Use Metta too!
Relax, breathe and enjoy your beautiful journey!”
(Her inner Buddha Chick sighs with peaceful delight.)
(Good Church Lady steps out front and frantically waves her zealous red flag.)
Relax! HAH! How can I relax when I’ve got so much to learn and a boatload of stuff to UNLEARN? Well now, wait a minute, here’s opportunity to apply the lesson plan as it is laid out directly above.
I’m disturbed by this thing called Metta. What’s this?
I read a definition of Metta –
“ a blessing practice in the Buddhist tradition.”
May I be happy.
May I be well.
May I be safe.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
This makes me feel shallow and self absorbed. Yet, I can see that there might be something in saying this for others. I’ll start saying Metta for my loved ones. In doing so, it feels a bit like a prayer. I could say Metta as a breath prayer. Yes, I like that, I think I can practice this. I’ll even try it for myself.
As I continue reading about Metta, there is an invitation to create 4 metta blessing phrases for myself today. With an open heart, I offer up a little prayer hoping that God will hear me:
May I be strong. (The joy of the Lord is my strength.)
May I be safe. (Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.)
May I be happy. (But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful)
May I live with peace. (Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.)
With that said, I’m ready and (almost) eager to move onward and forward with this Buddha Chick thing. It’s time for this little chick to be nurtured by her inner mother hen.
In reviewing my initial intentions, it feels like I’m in a pretty good place.
Good Church Lady is going to put aside the copy of her book which drives home the spiritual DISCIPLINES. Inner Buddha Chick is going to PRACTICE, with loving-kindness, mindfulness and self-compassion, yoga, prayer, meditation, journaling, and being out in nature. Might not this be what it would be like to love myself as tenderly as God does?
With these good beginnings, Good Church Lady and her inner Buddha Chick step out on an integrative journey.
Undercover Buddha Chick is a woman who longs to live more and more out of her true self – to live authentically. To live simply. To live without fear – or, at least, to be courageous in the face of fear. To live with an open heart. To be more mindful - as one who has eyes to see and ears to hear what’s really going on within herself. One who dares to lay down pre-conceived notions, prejudices and judgments.
She’s someone who longs for authentic community – who longs to engage in conversation without manipulation or pretense. She longs to come out of the shadows and live clear, calm and wise. In short, she wants to be a better human being.
As Good Church Lady begins Buddha Chick Training she struggles - finding herself in a place of great resistance.
Week 1 of Buddha Chick Training begins with the declarative, Our Chickie Journey into Inner Peace Begins!
Lesson 1 proposes that I Begin Where You Are. A question arises – just where AM I? Right here – right now. Here and now – this is the time. This is the place. What have I gotten myself into this time?!! Simmer down – You’ve given this invitation an affirmative RSVP. Let’s just see where it goes.
As I read the quote from the ancient Sufi poet, Rumi – “You already have the precious mixture that will make you well. Use it.” - I find myself squirming - a bit suspicious and skeptical of the “New Agey” sounding content. I hear, in the background of my mind, pan pipes, Enya and Yanni playing. Yet, continuing, in light of new understandings gained over the past six years or so of Spiritual Formation learning, there’s a hint that this stuff just might make sense. You’ve come a long way, baby! Surely there’s something here that might benefit you. Where is all this opposition coming from?
While I’m usually up for an assignment, I just don’t know if I’m ready to become a scientist of myself. The lesson plan suggests that I observe and study myself – “dispassionately –noticing, observing, taking notes on what’s happening.”
So much introspection. I’m afraid that this will entrench me in narcissism.
Lord knows I’m too often hung up on myself as it is and I know that I take myself WAY too seriously.
I’m sorry! I just can’t take notes. That will take too much energy and I’m just not up for that right now.
The next directive in this lesson plan advises that I take a vow – the vow of transparency. A vow? Vows have gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years. I have had to renounce some vows. I just don’t know about this… There’s a struggle here.
Taking a deep breath, I continue reading the lesson plan and ask, what is meant here by this vow of transparency? “This means that we are passionate about our healing journey enough to look honestly at ourselves.”
OK, Girl, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. You’ve been talking about this passion of yours for years. Own it! This is your time. This is the place.
As I continue reading, I’m intrigued - “We do so in a spirit of curiosity and wonder, with deep joy and gratitude, because we are finally going to experience a brilliant and beautiful version of ourselves, one that’s been waiting to shine through for a very long time. Being transparent means we no longer hide from anything – most especially from ourselves.”
Oh, I don’t know about this – I’ve been living in the shadows of fear, guilt and shame for so long I realize that I’m afraid of coming on out into the light. What is holding me back? Why would I not want to come out into the light?
A final exhortation introduces a new concept and I’m thrown into a quandary. How in the world am I going to be able to attend to what is being taught in this thing called Buddha Chick? As I continue reading, I’m instructed to “do all of this with a warm and loving heart toward ourselves.” This is foreign territory. Here is something that I have never learned how to do – be warm and loving to myself? Oh, the self critical and downright self- hatred mindset is so deeply entrenched that I truly do not know how to begin implementing this lesson plan. Here is a check in my spirit – what might be blocking me from giving this a try?
And so, I keep reading – “We treat ourselves as lovingly as we would our dearest child.” Really? I get this! After all, the one vow I stuck with years ago was that I would be the BEST mother in the whole world and I had lived up to it like I was on a mission from God. Hmmmm – perhaps there’s something to this. I can relate to this: “We are gentle with ourselves.” I was gentle with my children. I was a tender mother. My children were so dear to me. Mothering them in that way was effortless for me. Might it be possible to actually mother myself in such a way? There’s a little girl in me who never got this kind of mothering from her own mother. She longs deeply for this.
As I finish reading the lesson plan, I sense resistance loosing its grip. “We go slowly, listening to our breath, guided by our heart, only doing what feels supportive of our soul’s growth. Step by step, we will cultivate compassion for ourselves. We let go of notions of perfection, or getting it right, or being the most spiritual Chick on the block. We do what we can when we can and pat ourselves on the back all along the way.”
I’m surprised to find tears tracing down my cheeks. After so many years of hurrying on to the next thing, barely breathing, driven by black and white thinking, doing only for others, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m terribly disappointed that I’m discovering this so late in my life. I sense it might be time to grieve some losses.
Is it really possible to let go of perfectionism? Perfectionism, performance and people pleasing have been my addictions. And, do I read this right? Good Church Lady doesn’t have to be the most spiritual Chick on the block?
The invitation to do what I can, when I can, patting myself on the back all along the way sounds too good to be true. I’m tired but I think I’ll give this a try – one baby step at a time.
Resolute, Good Church Lady takes the next tentative step….
Undercover Buddha Chick is a woman who longs to live more and more out of her true self – to live authentically. To live simply. To live without fear – or, at least, to be courageous in the face of fear. To live with an open heart. To be more mindful - as one who has eyes to see and ears to hear what’s really going on within herself. One who dares to lay down pre-conceived notions, prejudices and judgments.
She’s someone who longs for authentic community – who longs to engage in conversation without manipulation or pretense. She longs to come out of the shadows and live clear, calm and wise. In short, she wants to be a better human being.
Having come from a conservative Christian (Protestant) background, her inner Good Church Lady often felt at odds with what she learned in “Buddha Chick Training.”Here on the pages of "Buddha Chick Life," we aretracing her experience in blog fashion and bear witness to the integrative journey of Undercover Buddha Chick and Good Church Lady. You can read her previous entry here.
Good Church Lady is restless - looking for the next thing.
Always asking, “What’s next?” She wonders if this invitation that comes into her INBOX will be the ticket.
Jan Lundy, her trusted mentor is offering an online, interactive course called "Buddha Chick Training." Her appeal reads,
IF you are a woman who:
Has been a seeker, on a spiritual path for a while now—maybe does yoga, meditates (or has at least tried), reads self-help/spiritual growth books, takes workshops ... but hasn't found permanent inner peace or freedom from difficult emotions. You still struggle with a number of personal issues but have strong intentions to break through them—and you've got an interspiritual heart, then "Buddha Chick Training is for you.
Is it for me? Let me take inventory of the afore mentioned points and see how things line up…
• Well, I’ve been on an amazing healing/spiritual journey since May of 1999. CHECK.
• After years of being conflicted about the Hindu roots of yoga, I’ve recently begun the practice of HOLY yoga (http://holyyoga.net/) which is, I might say – the very best thing that I’ve ever done just for me in my entire life! What makes it even better is that my private yogi comes directly to my house! To be quite honest with you, it really feels selfish and sometimes I feel so guilty to be so self indulgent but on the other hand, I think that it’s about time that I start taking care of myself. Besides, the thing about going to a studio is that I’d have to drive clear across town and then, there’s the competition of the class and comparison and I’ve always been such a klutz and I just won’t have the time or the energy for all that. So, CHECK.
·Meditation – well, I am disciplined in Centering Prayer – if that counts as meditation – CHECK.
• Reads self-help books? Inspirational self- help books, don’t you know? Oh – so many books! So little time… CHECK.
· Workshops? Conferences? Seminars? You name it. I’m game for just about anything. Oh, that sounds good…. I’d like to be a part of that… Sign me up! CHECK.
· Well, now, here’s the rub. Why, if I’m such a good church lady haven’t I found that inner peace or freedom from difficult emotions? What’s wrong with this picture? I hate to admit it, but this is something that I’ve never learned. [Well, now, don’t be too hard on yourself. At least you’ve been trying.] Oh, don’t I know it! I’m exhausted from the striving. I’ve heard it said that the antidote for exhaustion isn’t rest. It’s wholeheartedness. Perhaps this training is something to be wholehearted about. So, CHECK.
· Strong intentions. HAH! I have drawers and journals and book shelves FULL of good intentions always ready for a break-through. Except that HOPE is my middle name, I would have given up long ago. Here, again – CHECK.
· Last on the list – interspiritual heart. Hmmmmm – I don’t know about that! What is this interspiritual thing? Ecumenacism is one thing. Interspritual? Next thing you know I’ll be on the slippery to universalism. And, why is the name of the course called "Buddha Chick?" I know it’s just a playful way to introduce the core concepts presented in the course *sigh* but I think that it is rather exclusive. I watched that movie, Eat Pray Love and found the character in the story to be so self-absorbed I just couldn’t get over it. And the focus of the movie seemed so narrow even as it tried to portray this broad acceptance of world religions – yet, to the exclusion of Christianity. What was that? I just don’t get that.
Well, I’ve got six out of seven so, I think I’ll give it a whirl. Nothing else seems to be presenting itself right now. It won’t be the first time that I’ve gotten me into something outside of my comfort zone.
Six years ago I began taking some classes on Spiritual Formation at a local Catholic Nunnery. (That was, at first, culture shock for this Protestant, Dutch Calvinist gal) But I soon found myself quite at home there. A year ago May I received my certificate of completion and am now pleased to say that I am a Spiritual Director. In the practice of Spiritual Direction I have found my absolute sweet spot. Perhaps this Buddha Chick thing will help me be a better Spiritual Director.
With all that going on in my head, I sign up for Buddha Chick Training and plunge in – determined to get something out it. I’ve paid good money for this, after all. Hopefully there will be some reasonable return on my investment.
In some introductory remarks on my home page on the Buddha Chick site, I state,
Wholeness is what brings me here. Wholeness is my passion and, I believe my purpose. My hope in taking this class is to continue in the pursuit of wholeness and learn to live both into and out of wholeness in such a way that others are invited to join me on the journey.
It sounds rather lofty – but in my heart of hearts, I believe that this is true. Perhaps I’ll uncover more truth and actually find a way of speaking into and out of that truth more and more.
Little do I know how prophetic this expressed hope would be.
Even so, Good Church Lady will next share her struggle as she begins Buddha Chick Training and finds herself in a place of great resistance.
Undercover Buddha Chick is a woman who longs to live more and more out of her true self – to live authentically. To live simply. To live without fear – or, at least, to be courageous in the face of fear. To live with an open heart. To be more mindful - as one who has eyes to see and ears to hear what’s really going on within herself. One who dares to lay down pre-conceived notions, prejudices and judgments.
She’s someone who longs for authentic community – who longs to engage in conversation without manipulation or pretense. She longs to come out of the shadows and live clear, calm and wise. In short, she wants to be a better human being.
Undercover Buddha Chick by Undercover Buddha Chick
As my Buddha Chick Flight School experience was drawing to a close at the end of June, I was struck with a profound sense of disconnect and absurd loneliness when I realized that my journey here has been kept a secret for the most part from my family and friends. My investment in Buddha Chick has come back with huge dividends. My personal healing journey of the past 12 years has been accelerated and enhanced by what I'm learning here.
Grateful for the nurturing community on this site, I was mystified as to why I'm not free to share this site and these learnings with so many others who may well benefit from them. Well, I know why. I come from a very conservative Christian culture and if I were to tout this experience too much, I'd be misunderstood, criticized and judged. Many people know me as Good Church Lady. For many years, she was the only me that I knew. Aside from her, I had no identity.
Back in January of 2011, when I first signed up for Buddha Chick Training, I often found myself at odds with new concepts learned here and had to do a lot of soul searching. Wrestling with old understandings, there was much to un-learn.
At the outset, Good Church Lady was a very strong critic—afraid of what I had gotten myself into. She still hangs around a lot but there has been a compassionate integration—a marriage of sorts between that identity and the Buddha Chick in me. Sometimes Good Church Lady helps me with certain discernments and I’ve come to appreciate her experience and wisdom. While I’m really, really enjoying and benefiting from this Buddha Chick experience, outside of this community, I’m not in a place where I can share this freely. My husband was especially suspicious.
When I first signed up for Buddha Chick, I had to keep a really low profile so far as he was concerned–even here on the internet. Any communiqué that came into my Inbox from our Mamma Chick, Jan raised serious qualms in my beloved’s mind. He was afraid that I had gotten tangled up in some weird New Age cult or was going to convert over to Buddhism. Yet, gradually, my husband is seeing change in me. He’s a bit intrigued– liking what he sees as I live more and more out of loving kindness, self compassion, and mindfulness.
My kids are curious—wondering just what I’m up to. I’m learning that for now, there are just some things that I won’t be talking about. What is it about the mere mention of the name Buddha that raises distrust and skepticism in so many Christian minds?
Not yet ready for too much self disclosure, hearkening to a cautious restraint, I’ve come to see myself, not as Good Church Lady, but as Under Cover Buddha Chick.
Under Cover Buddha Chick – Who knew?
Makes me wonder if I’ve got a good story line going here. Gets me wondering if perhaps it’s time to write a book. How’s this for a title?
Undercover Buddha Chick: Who Knew What That Good Church Lady Was Up To?
Yes, I think it might be an interesting account. If you’ll allow me, I’ll be blogging on this- tracing the integrative journey of Good Church Lady and Undercover Buddha Chick here at Buddha Chick Life.
Undercover Buddha Chick is a woman who longs to live more and more out of her true self – to live authentically. To live simply. To live without fear – or, at least, to be courageous in the face of fear. To live with an open heart. To be more mindful - as one who has eyes to see and ears to hear what’s really going on within herself. One who dares to lay down pre-conceived notions, prejudices and judgments.
She’s someone who longs for authentic community – who longs to engage in conversation without manipulation or pretense. She longs to come out of the shadows and live clear, calm and wise. In short, she wants to be a better human being.
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